Living With The Past
by Phaedra4real
Summary: Jack Harkness is running away and only the right Doctor can save him from his past. Where has Jack been and what one thing could he not leave behind. Spoilers for Torchwood: Children of Earth.


**Living With The Past**

**by Terri Powers**

Jack Harkness took a sip from a cup of what passed for coffee on the _**TARDIS**_. He closed his eyes and listened to the gentle humming of the Doctor's mode of transportation, and home. It was quiet; he was alone in a room that the Doctor had offered to him as a temporary place to stay. Jack felt so tired.

_For the past 1 year, 3 months, and 15 days, like he's not counting, he had been living on a transport vessel. Jack and a small band of mercenaries were in the business of transporting medical supplies, or anything else that would pay the bills, between galaxies. His need for movement, to not stay in one place for long, kept him running from one galaxy to another. His other needs were few. On the rare occasion when he needed sexual release, or a release from the nightmares that were not only haunting his nights but were a part of his waking hours as well, he would visit an establishment on whatever planet he happened to be on at the time that catered to releases. But, non-human life forms only. Human contact was still too painful to contemplate. Instead he sought out alien life forms, preferably cold and scaly as opposed to the warm, smoothness of human flesh that he ached for, especially … his._

Jack grimaced as much from where his thoughts were headed as from the acidic flavor of the "coffee." He had spent so much time living with the past that it was hard to pull himself into the present.

_During a transport mission to Hababish, a planet in the Santauran Galaxy, he ran into the Doctor, quite literally. He was intoxicated and stumbling out of one of the less than reputable establishments. The Doctor dashed around the corner of the building with his sonic screwdriver in one hand and his latest companion fast on his heels._

_Hmpff! The Doctor bounced off him and into a shocked female companion who caught him and held him upright so that he didn't end up on the ground in the dust. Not a very dignified position for a Time Lord._

_Oh, so sorry my good fell … er, what! Captain Jack Harkness!!" the Doctor stammered._

_"Ish dat yoo?" queried a drunken Captain."Mah good freen the Doctor evyone." He swept his arms around to include everyone - a stray catlike creature mewling around a Bovineauling that appeared to be somewhat inebriated and sleeping it off on the ground near the door, if the sound of snoring was any kind of clue._

_"Jack, what are you doing here? Like this! Oh, hold that thought, I've got to run. No time to explain. I'll be back." And he was off running again. His companion yelled back over her shoulder, "Meredith Thames, pleased to meet you," and continued behind the Doctor up the alley and around the next building._

That was the beginning and now here he sat contemplating what direction he should go in next. Or if he should just lie back down and sleep for a while. Maybe suspended animation …

_The Doctor and Meredith had found him again later that same day. Jack was sleeping it off in __**Fi'n caru ti**__, his transport vessel, when he heard the distinct noise of the __**TARDIS**__, and opened his eyes to find them standing there studying him._

"_So, Jack, how have you been?" asked the Doctor warily._

"_Go away."_

"_Can't do that. I've got to see you through to the end."_

"_This is the end. My body just hasn't realized it yet."_

"_Meredith, could you bring the Captain a cup of coffee from the __**TARDIS**__?" The Doctor turned back to Jack and said, "We need to talk. Would you prefer we talk here?" as he looked around the transport vessel, "Or can you leave this life behind, bring your belongings, and come with me?"_

"_Looks like you've got your traveling partner. I didn't know you were into threesomes." There was that spark of cheekiness that the Doctor remembered. _

_They both turned as Meredith came back with a hot cup of coffee. As she handed it to Jack, the Doctor said "Jack, please, I can feel the pain coming off you. I don't know the whole story, but I've got an idea of what the condensed version is. I want to help."_

"_Help? Help? Why couldn't you have helped before I lost the one person in my life that I really connected with. Why couldn't you have helped before I made a decision to sacrifice my grandson for the greater good so that Earth's grandsons, granddaughters, sons, daughters, nephews and nieces were spared?" Jack broke off with a sob. "I'm no good to anyone now. I'm no good to myself. I'm no good." The last few words were whispered as Jack sat there with eyes closed and head down._

_There was silence in the room as the Doctor watched Jack._

"_Well, I need your help." Meredith's head twisted around to gawk at the Doctor._

"_Erm, yes." The Doctor shook his head in her direction as a warning to be still. "I need your special area of expertise for a particularly difficult situation that has come up in the Zanpaktoan Galaxy. I won't take no for an answer. No more sitting here, feeling sorry for yourself. Lives to save. Species to rescue." The Doctor straightened his shoulders and held out his hand to Jack Harkness. _

"_You're not very good at lying"_

_Jack stood, put down the cup and moved toward the Doctor's hand, and kept moving until he was within the circle of his arms where Jack leaned his head against his shoulder and started crying. They stood like that for several minutes. Then Jack said, "I need to get a few things together." _

"_Take your time. I'll prepare a room for you. I've got plenty to spare."_

So, here he sat, listening to the noises surrounding him. Not sure exactly where they were going. Not sure he even cared. They talked a bit since he joined them. There was no difficult situation in the Zanpaktoan Galaxy, or any other Galaxy for that matter, that needed immediate attention. Instead they spent the last month meandering through time and space. The Doctor talking to him; watching him from the corner of his eyes as if he thinks Jack doesn't notice; giving him time to heal.

At first the Doctor tried to convince him to go back. Back to Earth. Back to the 21st Century. Back to Cardiff. To take his place as the planet's guardian. To guard the Rift. Jack knows he can't do that. There is still too much pain when he thinks about returning. Not only pain from the loss of his grandson. Something he doesn't think he'll ever get over. Not only the loss of the child, but the loss of any love he may have had from his daughter. He will never forget the look in Alice's eyes the last time he saw her.

But its not only that pain … it's the pain from the loss of a close companion. Ianto grounded him. It was Ianto that brought him his coffee in the morning, which made him feel human and tied him to the planet. Ianto reasoned him through thought processes involving decisions he was making that affected the world. Ianto who listened as he talked of his past, his fears of living forever, the pain he went through every time he died and came back to life. Ianto was more than his employee, colleague, friend, and lover. He was his moral compass. Jack just couldn't think of tying himself to the planet without Ianto.

"Jack, may I come in?" The Doctor said as he knocked on the chamber door.

Jack pulled himself back from his thoughts and said, "Of course, come in."

"How are you today?" the Doctor asked, looking at him closely.

"I'm upright. Haven't killed myself in a while. If that's what you mean."

"Yes. Nasty bit that was. You know that will never work."

"I know, but I like the challenge … and the pain."

The Doctor walked toward the one possession that Jack seemed determined to keep with him no matter what. He placed his hand gently on the top and, walking around the object, caressed his fingers into the contours of the lid. Looking up, "Jack, you've never told me what you have here. Can you talk about it?"

"I will as long as you don't scoff, or roll your eyes, or look for the next planet to dump me on because I've gone crackers." Jack smirked as he said this, but the Doctor could see the raw emotion in his eyes.

"Tell me. I'll listen and I won't judge."

"I've told you generally what happened." Jack began. "What I didn't tell you was that before I wandered around the Earth for a time trying to forget everything that had happened, I brought Ianto Jones' body back to what was left of the Hub. Oh, they had done plenty of damage with the bomb, but the lower levels were intact. Nothing had fazed them." Jack sighed and moved toward the Doctor and the coffin-shaped box.

"I couldn't say goodbye," Jack choked "couldn't leave him behind." Jack caressed the lid, "I put Ianto in one or our cryogenic chambers and froze him. I wasn't ready to let go, so I brought him with me."

The Doctor stood quietly, hands in pockets, watching Jack's face.

"Sometimes, sometimes during the night I'll lie down on top and just talk to him. I talk about my day, or what frightens me, or how much I miss his beautiful Welsh vowels. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and find myself curled on top of this box and realize I'd fallen asleep." Jack looked at the Doctor, pure anguish in his eyes. "I can't go back there without him. You can't ask me to. I just can't."

The Doctor bent to look into the chamber. He stared through the small window fitted into the top cover. "How exactly did Ianto die? What or who exactly was the creature that killed him?"

Jack frowned before continuing. "I don't know. We … Torchwood … always referred to them as the 456. I was told that was the radio frequency that they picked them up on in 1965. I was a contractor at the time, doing odd jobs for Torchwood as they came up. This is what I was told when I was called in. That is all I know."

The Doctor continued as he leaned closer to the coffin, "What did they look like? Their mannerisms, how did they act, talk?"

Jack was unclear why the Doctor asked these questions, but answered, "They traveled in a ball of light. It looked like a column of fire. All the while I was leading the children to them in 1965 I thought it was to help their species. I thought if we offered the children to them to help, that the rest of the world would be safe. It seemed like a small price to pay." Jack looked up at the Doctor, imploring him to understand why he did what he did. "I only learned this time that they used children as a drug. Kind of a high for extended life. Nothing morally upstanding, here; no redeeming value."

"Did they speak through the children to communicate with you?" the Doctor asked.

"Yes! Not the first time, not in 1965. But they spoke through the children this time. And they used a kind of sound frequency to kill or control. They could also release viruses into the world and they held us hostage with hope of getting an antidote." Jack stopped here, and then went on in a lower tone. "Ianto died when the creature released a virus into the building we were in. He died in my arms within 5 minutes."

Jack put his hand to his face to cover his eyes. He brought his hand down, "When I revived, it was to a world without him." Jack continued, his voice hoarse. "I went on to make a harsh, horrible decision. I did a terrible thing. I sacrificed my grandson to the greater good. By using him as a conduit, I hurt the creature and saved the rest of the world's children. My daughter wishes I were dead, that I could die. I've lost a piece of me in my grandson. And I lost a piece of me in Ianto."

"He's not dead you know." The Doctor straightens up and sniffs.

"Don't do that." Jack sneered.

"What?"

"Don't use the Ianto's-not-really-dead-he's-part-of-the-planet-you-will-remember-him-forever, crap. That …."

"Wait, wait, Jack. I'm not like that. I'm not being all ethereal. I'm being serious. He's not dead." Lifting his shoulders in a shrug he opened his arms and said, "He appears to be in a type of … suspended animation, but he's alive." He murmured, "I've seen this before."

Jack stared at him, stunned, as the Doctor snapped to attention and started moving around in a circle, talking to himself about antidotes, and how to awaken the man that lay silently sleeping.

"Good thing you put him in this frozen status because if you had just buried him, or God forbid cremated him," he shuddered, "there is nothing I could do." The Doctor looked up at Jack with an encouraging smile. "I remember on Gongwar when a whole village went under like this. Could have been the same creatures … the, what, 456?...that did it back then." The Doctor narrowed his eyes in concentration.

"I remember that village … I don't know how long they had been lying there." He looked at Jack, wrinkling his nose. "Not a good smell. Scavengers had gotten to some. Scared the scavengers off when they all started to rise up."

Jack's month opened in shock as he drew in a breath to silence the Doctor's ramblings.

"But …" the Doctor reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a container that could only be described as a small pill box. Inside it were some small, green pills. Taking one between his thumb and forefinger the Doctor turned to Jack "Open the coffin-box, or cryo-chamber, or whatever you want to call it."

"But, he will start to thaw."

"Jack, no worries, just open the lid."

Jack opened the lid. Looking at Ianto's face he thought "He looks like he's sleeping." Ice crystals were on his lips and had formed on his eye lashes. "He's beautiful."

The Doctor reached in, gently parted his lips, and put one of the green pills under Ianto's tongue. "Just sit here and talk to him. Bring him back, Jack. It may take some time." The Doctor turned and walked out of the room.

Jack looked at the Doctor's retreating figure, then looked down at the quiet visage below him.

"Come back to me Ianto." Jack moved around so that he was at the side, looking down on Ianto's face in order to watch for any movement.

"I love you Ianto. I never told you that, but I love you. I need you." Jack choked. "I want you. Please come back to me and I promise I'll never take you for granted again." Jack quietly whispered these words over and over as his own personal mantra. He was beginning to think that the Doctor was wrong. That Ianto was never meant to wake up. When.

"Wha .., is … Is it time to get up?"

Jack gasped and pulled back from the cryogenic unit and watched Ianto slowly rise up into a sitting position.

Ianto looked down at his pinstripe vest, slacks, cream shirt, and striped tie, "Huh. OK … what … were … we …doing last night?" Thinking their role playing had gotten out of hand.

He turned to look in Jack's direction. When he saw the look on Jack's face, his eyebrow shot up. Then it all started coming back to him. He was remembering. Slowly at first, but faster and faster as he shook off the bonds of frozen sleep.

"The children," Ianto cried, "the 456! What happened? Where AM I?" He struggled to get out of the chamber.

"The virus! Jack, am I dead? Is this real?" And then when realization hit, "Oh my God my sister and her family. Are they OK? What they must have been through. What did you tell them? Did you find another resurrection glove? Is that what this is?" Ianto wondered as he rose up out of the confines of the cryogenic unit.

Jack's face shined with the tears that had fallen. He gasped, then chuckled as he grabbed Ianto into a bear hug, pulling him off his feet, swinging him around, and yelling "DOCTOR!!"

"Ianto. Ianto. Ianto" Jack repeated as he covered his lover's face with kisses. Then he held Ianto's face between his hands and said "I promise I will answer all your questions and more. You're not dead, never were." He smiled gently at Ianto's confused expression. "Sorry to disappoint you. I know you wanted to jump on the immortal bandwagon with me."

Jack pulled Ianto against him again and buried his nose in the warm hollow beneath his lover's earlobe and his shoulder. He began to nuzzle there.

"Did you miss me?"

Jack looked up to see the twinkle in Ianto's eyes. He felt a smile coming to his face and a reaction to the other man that started in his toes and ran up to the top of his head, pausing significantly between his thighs. Jack grabbed Ianto by the hand, and directed him to the bulge that was beginning to grow beneath his pants zipper and said "What do you think?"

_**6 Months Later**_

Jack took Ianto by the hand and led him down the hall past the den and into the bathroom to the shower. They had just spent the morning and afternoon completely naked. The phone was off. The doors were locked. The shades were pulled. Candles were lit, it was a time of healing. Jack was beginning to heal, but he found he couldn't be away from Ianto for long. Jack's emotions were still raw and his feelings for his Welsh lover were intense. He needed to be with him. Breathe him in. Touch him. Kiss him. He didn't think he'd ever get enough. Jack was enjoying reacquainting himself with the familiar contours of Ianto's body - the way he smelled, felt, tasted.

"So, are you feeling Italian tonight?" Jack asked as he started the water in the shower.

"You want an Italian?" Ianto joked. Jack slapped him on the ass and laughed.

"I want you. I want you, and spaghetti, and silly, romantic mandolin music. _Capisce_?"

Ianto looked at Jack's crooked smile, straight teeth, and the jaunty crook of his head and felt like he had died and gone to Heaven.

And you know what, maybe he had.

_**The End**_


End file.
